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hear they call it the: "The City Of Light" Now it's going to be more true with the fact that it's burning. GOOD.

Here is the deal: The majority of people in the United States are OVERWEIGHT. Now, not EVERYONE is fat... just the majority. To the same respects. People from France hate the United States. Now i've met some people from France who have NO issue with the USA. They of COURSE are living in the States, and they don't want to go home or get hit by a redneck. So they'll say whatever it takes not to make trouble, but all in all -- THEY DON'T LIKE US. THEY HATE US.

So when i heard that France was having DAYS and DAYS of Riots, and shit was getting set on fire and the French government has NO idea what the fuck to do. I smiled. Just like some fag in down town Paris would smile if they found out if Las Vegas got set ablaze. Or who said: "zat is waat chu get faar treatin ze peoples liike sheet." when they saw 9/11 go down.

I mean Paris Hilton is SUCH a good name for her, cuz she gives up the pussy JUST like Paris, France when the Nazi rolls in with tanks. And i could go off for WAY too long on why this is sooooo fucking fresh that France is looking less and less like France, and more and more like Detriot... MUAHAHAHA I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the heat and wish i had a plane ticket and some moltovs.

I know what you're thinking RIGHT now.

The "conservative" types are asking: "shit Smitty, don't leave us hanging what kind of gun is it? A handgun, shotgun, or are you a fag and got an airsoft or paintball gun and think you're being cool?"

The "hippies" are all asking: " Smitty, don't you know how many people in the world die everyday because of guns... guns kill babies and rape underage girls and are the reason for our high gas prices!"

Well to both of you... SHUT UP, i'll tell you what gun it is... AND why if you don't get a gun why you're worse then a nazi. I didn't see guns flying into the Twin Towers, and i didn't seen guns blowing themselves up in the middle of a crowded town square. I didn't see guns being used to create AIDS or CANCER. So can think of worse things in this world then guns...

But first i had to think about what type of gun i needed.

Do i think about home protection and usage and get a shotgun? Then i can keep it in my closet or under my bed, then i'd have to worry about the day i ever have to try and find the lock key and try and ward off any intruders. Nothing stops someone from climbing into a window faster then the racking of 12 gage is TRUE... i'll get a Remmington 870 sometime, but not now...

Why not now? Cuz i realize I LIVE IN NEVADA! i can fucking CARRY A FUCKING GUN ON ME LEGALY! All i need is to buy the gun, take a class and pay about 150 bucks and BOOM i can walk into a casino all strapped down like a fucking bad ass. So i figured... HANDGUN BABY.

Do i go for a small ass .22 piss ass gun that would only make a methhead bleed on me as he stabs me with a shif and takes my wallet? Sure they make hollow points for them, but sometimes i'd do more damage if i feed it to them.

Do i listen to the inner Italian Dago-wop and get me a nice heavy revolver and start running protection for the stores in my area? Call me Greasy Guedo.

Do i go for a mid size compact semi-auto 9mm that barely takes up any room in a pocket next to my car keys, and you can barely see on me no matter where i carry it? WINNER.

NOW NOW, i know the hard core gun fans are thinking i should have went with a .45, or a .40 but fuck man, it's MY first gun and I AM going to pick up one of them in time. Let me learn how to get good at shooting with a pistol and i'll go for ammo that costs more later.

NOW NOW, i know the hippies are crying for the children that will die at the hands of my unprotected gun. You're calling up congress right now cuz you JUST read that it's legal for a scumbag like me to walk around like a extra in Pulp Fiction.

First off I want to tell you people who are ANTI 2nd amendment that -- you people don't fucking get it do you? You people just fucking blow my mind, i mean you guys are SO fucking paranoid about "the republicans" coming in the middle of the night in their gas wasting SUV's and taking your Social Security money and tapping your phone lines putting spy shit on your computer so they can see if you're downloading music. YOU ARE THE ONES WHO SHOULD HAVE GUNS!

You worry SOOO fucking much about the Government taking over, and taking away your rights -- you should be the FRIST IN LINE for a gun. You know that it's LEGAL to own? It's safe to have in a house if you lock it up? That we have the right to organize a party and take over the Government when you feel they've fucked up enough?

DON'T BELIVE ME? read the 2nd amendment.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

That's it RIGHT there... THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE. That's ME fucker.

Thomas Jefferson also went on to write to a guy named SMITH something that no one can really argue with

…. can history produce an instance of rebellion so honorably conducted? I say nothing of its motives. They were founded in ignorance, not wickedness. God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a rebellion. ... If they remain quiet under such misconceptions, it is a lethargy, the forerunner of death to the public liberty. We have had thirteen States independent for eleven years. There has been one rebellion. That comes to one rebellion in a century and a half, for each State. What country before, ever existed a century and a half without a rebellion? And what country can preserve its liberties, if its rulers are not warned from time to time, that this people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon and pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants.

That's right... every 20 years we should show our muscle and let the people in charge KNOW that WE are the people. WE are the ones that the Constitution is written for. And what keeps me saying this. WELL it's the beautiful FIRST amendment, and what you might ask keeps that fucking amendment in place... THE SECOND amendment... and my 9mm bitch.

Well, here at the tubby-bitch camp we've gotten many emails... Some saying "hey you guys fucking suck." Some that say: "hey you fat fucks haven't updated in a month, what the fuck are you guys doing? EATING?" and some go a little like .... this.....

I'm doing well ... I'm actually writing for a specific reason -- I went on the website tonight to see what funny shiz you guys had to say (sure enough, still funny as ever), and saw that my two pics are up again. Do you think that maybe you guys could remove them from the site? It's just a little unnerving and I'd really appreciate it!

~****** <--- name taken out cuz we are aren't total fucking pricks

Here is the deal. You sent us pictures of body, Face, Ass hole, puppy with a sign next to it... we put it up on the site. This is the deal. You want off, you have only ONE recourse.

BUILD A TIME MACHINE AND STOP YOUR PAST SLUTTY SELF OF TAKING PICTURES AND SENDING THEM TO US!

First you need one of these

then you need to buy this

After that you need to down load Mr. Lewis and the News from Kazaa, just a couple songs should do it.

Pick yourself up a Orange vest you can wear over a jean jacket. a yellow jumpsuit, befriend a wild eyed scientist -- and you'll be GOLDEN.

Just remember, don't forget about the Libyans, 88 mph, and the front to Johnny be good and you should have NO problem getting the pictures back from your past self.

Good luck, and watch out for Biff.

PS: don't bring back the sports almanac ... you'll only make things harder on yourself.

Teacher: Hi Bobby... you look sexy today in your Elmo shirt.

lilbobby: Thanks miss teacher, i picked it all out myself, my mom helped me tie the shoes

Teacher: Mmmm that's so hot, you don't wear velcro anymore do you Bobby?

lilbobby: no Ma'am, i even stopped wetting the bed

Teacher: Ohhhh that's SO hot Billy

lilbobby: My name is Bobby.

Teacher: Whatever, Look Billy...

Teacher: Bobby, yes, just take off your Converse and Osh Gosh and we can play Dr.

lilbobby: But, then you can see my peepee.

Teacher: mmmmmmmm Bobby, I love it when you talk dirty. It's so sexy.. say it again.

lilbobby: What? Peepee?

Teacher: OH yes, i'm SOOO wet. Like the brow of a cotton picking slave in Mississippi 1814.

Teacher: Nothing, just take your big kids pants off and show me how hung your wang is.

lilbobby: Wang is hung? Isn't that a band from the 80s? my mom used to listen to them.

Teacher: No, that was Wang Chung.

lilbobby: that's a stupid band name... what the hell is a "chung" anyway? Isn't that the name of your dry cleaners?

Teacher: LOOK, bobby you going to do me like a $2 whore or do i have to ask your lil brother?

lilbobby: I fell down in gym, i scrapped my knee real bad see?

Teacher: Fuck this i'll just find another stupid 10 year old.

lilbobby: damn sorry about your crappy band.

Teacher: FOR your information. Wang Chung was a sweet band!

lilbobby: what is a sweet brand?

Teacher: Arrg, i need a drink

lilbobby: you can have the rest of my juice box.

This just in, one out of three high school students should be beat it they bleed out their ears.

OK, well it's really becoming a crazy fucking world. ONE THIRD of students have said that newspapers have TOO much Freedom, and should check with the US Government before they run to press.

ALRIGHT. WHO THE FUCK KNEW THAT THE GOVERNMENT WAS RAISING IT'S OWN MASTER RACE FOR THE PAST 16 YEARS?!?

They also went onto say that 75% or so thought that it was ILLEGAL to burn the flag. What the flying fuck is happening to our country? Has anyone even HEARD of the FIRST FUCKING Amendment? Freedom of speech? ANYONE? Don't get me wrong I hate when people burn the flag out of hate -- they just have every right to feel how they want. BUT, if you burn MY Fucking flag outside my house I'll put my boot up in your ass.

I'm sorry, but lets take things to the extreme: You think that nazis are wrong, I fucking hate red neck stupid fucking nazis who feel that white people are the right race to be. NOW, I would love for a million man march to run down from Washington DC -- and kill every KKK member from Virginia to Georgia. That would fucking rock.

BUT, they have every right to be stupid. Everyone has the right to FEEL and THINK how they want. I have every right to think that racist is a retard, and every racist has every right to think that Dre is a dirty wet back. Right?

Imagine a world where the US Government has the right to censor everything they don't want in the paper? Think about a place where you'd have to watch everything you say... I would say think about Germany from 1932 to 1945, or think about a little place called the USSR. Now it wouldn't be THAT bad, but still, it starts with no swear words -- then goes on to people not liking the word "GAY." and goes on and on and on.

Granted hard-core porn doesn't belong on Nickelodeon. I just don't think you should let a Government RUN anything to do with free speech -- EXCEPT THE ENFORCMENT OF IT! I had a teacher say one time; "You have the right to stick your finger straight out and start spin around and around in circles. You can do that all day, until your finger touches the tip of someone else's nose." YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T FUCK UP ANOTHER PERSON! You can print in a paper how I'm a fat fuck lazy white guy who's balding and likes shitty music. BUT, if you print that I like child porn. I can sue the fuck out of you.

GOD BLESS THE FIRST AMENDMENT. Without it, you wouldn't have the net, that stupid shirt that says: "Fuck Bush," and you sure as fuck wouldn't have the right to be pissed off with what i have to say or my right to fucking say it. WURD!

I'll say it one more time, before I start to hit.

PEOPLE! We really have nothing better to worry about? We have a "Mission accomplished" war, countries still reeling from a tidal wave, and our dollar is now worth almost as much as the stupid Canadian beaver nickels and deer quarters we throw out at the laundry mat.

SPONGEBOB IS NOT A HOMO. Granted, some of the shit they do is GAY, but i don't remember any cack grabbing in the few shows i watched. There are shows called QUEER EYE, and WILL AND GRACE that drum up being gay so well that it's almost WRONG not to BE gay. And you're crying about a cartoon that has in NO way showed to be homo?

Are Christian groups that fucking retarded that they have to FUCK up everything going on? So we saw a tit during the super bowl, Howard Stern said Penis, and cartoons showed a nude butt. If you can't keep hold of what your kid watches -- WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I NOT WATCH IT ALSO!?!?! WHY should i not be able to listen to Howard in the morning if i wanted to? Why shouldn't i be able to watch FAMILY GUY without a pixeled out ass crack? Last time i fucking checked this is AMERICA, and WHO the fuck are you to take away my shitty TV and RADIO?

First they come for one thing...then another... Ask any gun owner how the shit works. First you come for my uzi, then my AK. Soon we'll have to register our baseball bats and pointy sticks. I know that this time will be looked back on like McCarthy and his Anti Commie mission. Till then i just want to sit back and watch it all burn.

DRE - 1/28/05

And now, it's time for "WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKIN?". This link is just too fucking awesome.

CLICK HERE

Maybe the trading post should've sent a shipment out a few months back. 5 bucks says they're even MADE in Thailand.

SMTITY - 1/20/05

Thousands die in natural disaster, or

Ashlee Simpson booed at Orange Bowl.

hmmm, tuff one -- but i'll have to go with shit you can't read anywhere else. My hearts go out to the people of "Tsunami Islands" and all -- i just don't want to get all sad on this site. Maybe a NEW fan sign will cheer us up?

This is for ALL the fucking Record companies out there.NOT ALL AMERICANS FUCKING LIKE YOUR TOP RECORD ARTISTS! WE DON'T LIKE YOUR FLASH IN THE PAN FUCK HOLE JERK OFF BOY BANDS, AND HOT BITCHES WITH FAKE TITS EAITHER. WE DON'T ALL LIKE YOUR MTV PUSHED ON BULLSHIT ! IT'S FUCKING GAY AS FUCK AND WE'D REALLY LIKE YOU TO GET OVER IT!

I bet, if you ask ANY Record company fuck head: who is the hottest in America? They'll say "oh Usher, you know the one America loves." NEWS FLASH. We ALL don't fucking like Usher. Sure he sells 10 million albums. how many is 10 million?

half the people in Texas is about 10 million. Now, i've met some fresh people from Texas. i just want to know if we ask them what they like -- it's going to fucking suck, or it's going to be really fucking stupid. We are talking about the only state who has more then 30 kids on death row. A state that allows the police to shoot a fleeing suspect in the back. A state that wants to wear cowboy hats and pretend to be retarded. (I'm sure they aren't pretending, but I'd like to think that they are only ACTING that way, and not really that stupid.) NOW outside of the cowboy hat i agree with everything. BUT, are they people who should JUDGE how the rest of America is?

answer: FUCK NO.

You are talking about a FRACTION of the POPULATION. Usher fans are 14 year old girls who just took down their Back Street Boys poster.

If anyone reads this from another country -- please know we aren't all HOMOS. We don't all have reality shows. Don't judge us from what you see on our TV shows! REALLY don't because you can't judge that, i should know that because i watch MEXICAN TV! and TRUST ME NOT ALL MEXICAN WOMEN ARE LIKE THEY ARE ON THE SHOWS! They don't run around braless and blonde hair running down their sexy whiteish looking faces. They mostly look like black haired witches that someone squished into shirts WAY too small for them as their 12 kids run around in shirts that are from the Go od-Will store that my mom donated last winter.

"hey paco jr! where the fuck did you get that shirt?" That's my old hypercolor shirt you chili choking pepper belly!